"Intimacy"

Now, there's a loaded word, isn't it? What, precisely, does it mean? Damned if I know. Advertising uses it, all the time, for describing things like lingerie, or what we used to call " private dainties."

To me, that's only part of it. "Being intimate" can mean sharing a part of you that makes you vulnerable. Not "has the potential to" but MAKES you vulnerable. I have been thinking about this concept over the past few days, after being invited to watch my dear friend in a vocal coaching session. Performers, of any kind, are proud of what they do. When they do it, we expect them to make it look effortless. Who wants to see the strain on a gymnast's face when he or she is doing a difficult maneuver, or hear a dancer curse when s/he's doing some difficult leap? No, we don't want that. We want to see it done perfectly, easily, and without any visible sign of strain. We want to feel "gee, that looks easy."

Well, getting to that point clearly is NOT easy, and that's where the vulnerability, and the intimacy comes, in sharing how you "get there "with someone. It's a level of exposure that other performers have told me is akin to someone stripping naked in front of you. To invite a non-performer in, to see this very private kind of thing is an honor. My UPEX boys have done it, my friend has done it. I am moved and terrified by it, at the same time. I have described my feelings about it as trying to hold onto a comet (a strong image from Ovid's Metamorphosis, which I've been rereading. Go to the last story and read about how Venus tried to hold her son, Julius Ceaser's soul, after he had been assasinated. Ovid described it better than I could). And try as I might to hold onto that feeling, that "comet, it's best let go, so that I can "watch it," at least in the sky of my mind's eye. Every time I have been in these situations, I haven't wanted them to end. And at the same time, I get to a point where I know it's time to let the comet go.

So, what does this rumination have to do with cooking? Well, now that's the loaded question of the day, isn't it? I have been thinking a lot lately about the relationship between cooking (which I view as a craft), to things like dance and singing (which I view as arts). Parallels can be drawn, but they are attenuated. I was telling some friends about a dance performance I saw that I loved it because it reminded me of the way I cook. I will try to articulate that in writing in the future. It's not a good parallel, but it's a partial one. So, too, with the exposure and vulnerability of a singer, and then cooking. When you invite someone into your home, and feed them, you want everything to be perfect. You want it to look like you never sweated a drop. But when you trust someone intimately, you ask them into your KITCHEN. You let them see you work. You let them see how you sweat, how you don't get everything right, how there are faults along the way. And you keep on going. And if you're as fortunate as I am, you have truly good friends who are also performers and who "get it." And if you miss a note - the soup is too salty, the fish isn't brown enough - they say nothing and you enjoy being with each other, even though YOU, as the cook, the "perfomer du jour" know that it wasn't quite right. And that's just fine. Because now you know where you have work to do, and because you've shared a part of you that isn't really something for public consumption.

So that's where my thoughts on the parallels between cooking, art and intimacy come together. And I want to post a recipe for my friends who showed me this. You all know who you are.

One of the things that I have found, in chatting and eating with you guys, is you're all afraid of CARBS!!!! Oi. If Annalena could not have her carbs, she'd be more of a mess than she is. But anyway, yesterday, I made a recipe with such a minimal amount of carbs in it, that I have to share it with you boys. There are breadcrumbs in it. Leave them out if you don't want that two tablespoons of it in the whole dish, which is a savory cheesecake.

You need a springform pan for this. Nine inches. Measure. You are also going to need a pound and a half of cream cheese. Low fat is ok, non fat is not. Also, about a cup of grated cheddar cheese, the strongest you can find. A half cup of cream - HEAVY cream. Three eggs, too. And finally, a pint of some kind of salsa or relish. Now, this is one where the no carbs rule can fail. I know that there are many vegetables that the non-carb eater can't have. But there are also others that you can, and you know what they are. I used a mushroom onion apple relish, but use what works for you.

Preheat your oven to 325. Then, put the cream cheese in a bowl and with a mixer, work it until it's soft. Then blend in the cream, then the eggs, one at a time. Now add in half of your grated cheese. Finally, blend in that pint of relish or salsa or whatever you like (you could probably even use 2 cups of a chopped up or cooked vegetable, now that I think of it. Spinach anyone?). Taste it. If it needs salt, add it now.

Get your springform pan, and grease it, with butter (preferably), or oil, or whatever you use for these things. Breadcrumbs make this easier but you dont have to use them, so if you do, sprinkle some breadcrumbs in the pan, shake it around, and coat the pan with them. Then dump all of that stuff into the pan, and then sprinkle the rest of the grated cheese on top of it.

Put this into the oven for an hour and a quarter. It will darken, the cheese will crisp up, and your kitchen is going to smell wonderful. Take it out of the oven and let it cool down completely. Dishes like this need to sit, to solidify and become "whole. " It's rich, so eat it in small portions, maybe with salad if you can.

Boys, I love you all so dearly. I don't have much to offer in return. Hope you like this, and I'll make it for you anytime you like