Of Guncles, and Ballet

From The Urban Dictionary:  DILF:  A dad you'd like to fuck

Also from The Urban Dictionary:  Guncle: A noun used to identify a non-related gay male who is regarded as an "honorary uncle" by his friends and their children. Often used as a term of endearment.

The difference between a DILF and a guncle is  that a DILF is someone you invite out  to dinner, and a guncle is someone who makes dinner for you." 

No recipe or story this time, gang.  A bit of a think piece.  A bit of a rant.  A bit of a cry out loud.

In her alternate role, Annalena is regarded as a Guncle by many.  He hears the phrase  "Guncle, I just  wish I could hug you right now."  Yes, often.  He does not hear himself referred to as as a DILF.    Ever.  Annalena supposes that the comments  about "guncle"  "hugging"  etc, are meant to be endearing, and they are sincere.  Not unlike the comments he gets when mother's day comes along, and the "Happy Mother's Day" messages come in.  Cute.  Adorable.  

It  truly does seem to be the lot in life for many of us:  yes , "DILF" is all over the place, and we are all familiar with typical  "DILFs."  Indeed, like Guncles, who do not have to be uncles, "DILFS" don't have to be dads.  You all have your favorite:  is it perhaps Anderson Cooper?  Who could blame you?    There is actually a website that lists the 25 top DILFs  .  Look for something similar, for "guncles."  Find any ?  

If any of this sounds bitter, ragazzi, that's because it is.  I will not speak of my own experiences directly here:  in other words, I will not call anyone out, or quote anyone, other than the reference to "I just want to give you a hug."   And really, think about it for a minute:  the emphasis, while not stated, is on "JUST," as in  "that's as far as it goes." 

Why is that?  I have been thinking about this at great length, since rewatching my favorite version of "The Nutcracker" (there is a link at the end of this piece).  Now, some background:  I did not see "Nutcracker" until I was in my early 30s.  And I was STUNNED.  I thought it had a happy ending.  Really, it does not:  our heroine does not get her prince.  And in the  version I first saw (American Ballet Theatre with Gelsey Kirkland, and Baryshnikov), I was very, VERY creeped out by the very salacious uncle, who clearly had designs on Clara.  

The original "Nutcracker" does not use an "uncle."  The character, "Drosselmeyer" , in the original, is the godfather to Clara and her brother.  Today, we think of "godfather" in a very particular way; however, in the time of E.T.A. Hoffmann, who wrote the story, a "godfather" had a very serious, important place in the family.  I think that when we see the ballet now, we immediately jump to the idea that he's an uncle.  A single uncle.  No one ever meets a wife, or girlfriend of this man.  He's always eccentric.  Frequently ugly, or misformed, in older productions ,in the San Francisco ballet production, and more and more in other modern productions,this changes, and   one could argue that he's hot in a punk kind of way:  

In this production, as you'll see, he wears an eyepatch.  Again, this is showing up, more and more in modern productions.  This being ballet, we don't know how he got it.  But what we do know, from the early part of the production, is that he's a kind, generous man.  He makes the nutcracker for Clara (the original has him make it for BOTH she and her brother).  He keeps his store (he's a clockmaker), open late, to sell a toy to a last minute shopping mom.  And on the way to the Christmas party (which he attends alone), he buys flowers from a flower girl, and gives them to a Nanny, and two nuns, who are all out walking.  (While the Nutcracker story seems to be French, transported to Germany, this version clearly takes place in England).  At the party, there is no other word to describe it: he's the star.  He entertains the children.  He does magic tricks.  And he does this all, with almost no reference to the adults:  he's there for the children. 

And calling Clara one of the children is misleading, for she is clearly between two worlds.  When the adults dance, she's called upon, by her father, to join them in that dance. Unlike the adults, however, she receives Christmas presents.  She sits with the children during the magic show, and she is intrigued in the same way  by the magic, the nutcracker, and every other "childish" thing as the younger children are. Drosselmeyer, as we can see from the production, understands that she walks between two worlds. Indeed, in a somewhat humorous  "a lesbian looks at "The Nutcracker,"  piece,  one writer talks about how the theme of "Nutcracker" is Clara moving from girl to woman.  I agree with this.  The same writer allegorizes "Nutcracker" as Drosselmeyer's goal as being "Clara's first man."  I do NOT agree with this.  In my view, Drosselmeyer, like Clara, walks between two worlds.  In more than one way. He walks between the magic, and the mundane.  He walks between what he is, and what people have to pretend he is, ignoring that side of him.  He walks between showing his understanding of Clara's situation, and ignoring it.   And in this, he is like all of us who know we will always be "guncles," and never "DILFs."  Read on.

Later we learn that, more than a magician, Drosselmeyer is a sorcerer.  After the party ends, and he leaves, he returns to the sleeping Clara, in a huge puff of smoke.  He transforms the house into the scene that we associate with "Nutcracker:"  the huge tree, the battle with the mice, the Prince, and the journey to the Snow World.  And Clara of course is with him.  A sorcerer.  A magician.  A transformer.  To the guncles reading this, sound familiar?  To those with guncles, how about you?

This does not sound like straight behavior, does it?  Drosselmeyer is protective, and what one sees in his character, at least in the SF production, is a totally chaste relationship with Clara.  He knows his place.  Don't all of us who are guncles  "know our place?"   So, while he introduces her to what she CAN have, she HAS NONE  of it.  At the end of the fantasy sequence of "Nutcracker" - and this is the part that ALWAYS bothered me - her cavalier prince goes back to his realm, she wakes up, and she has... a nutcracker.   It parallels her uncle/godfather.  He too, has nothing at the end.  Indeed, compared to Clara, he has less than nothing: in this production, Clara wakes up to her nutcracker, and her mother's embrace.  Drosselmeyer is gone:  he behaves the way a good guncle should.  He's done his job:  he took care of her, and the children.  He's gone.  Until he gets invited back again. Probably to a big party.  Certainly not to an intimate dinner.  Unless he gives one. 

If you fill the role of "guncle"  (and you know who you are), you will recognize much of this.  And you may be shaking your head and wondering "what do I do?"  I wish I knew.  If, on the other hand, you HAVE a guncle - and you know who you are too - maybe you need to ask yourself about that relationship, and how your "guncle" or "guncles" feel.  Surely they love you, and nothing is going to change that.  But if you have "guncles" and you also have "DILFs," ask yourself what puts one man in one column, and the other in the other.  And think how it may impact their knowing how you think of them.  I can't speak for how DILFs feel, for the reasons above, but I'm sure someone out there will react and say  "I wish someone treated me as their guncle."  Maybe not.  But this is a work in progress.    I'm not ready to say  "don't call me "guncle anymore," but do think about it.  It does hurt sometime.    

And here's the ballet. It's worth seeing. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9eUYZBo66A