OLE!

Last night, I did something that I haven't done in so long I can't remember when I last did it. The boys of Uptown Express, who did SO much remedial work in making me feel good about myself last December invited me to join them for drinks after their rehearsal.

I am SORELY out of practice. Sometime today, the camel poop will get out of my mouth, the boot will get off my head, and I'll be a real person again, but let's just say that, in the future, I will eat something more substantial than a bowl of soup before drinking two, large martinis.

Well, while I was having a wonderful time with these guys, someone bought a platter of nachos and guacamole over to the table for nibbles. I won't say I was "challenged," that's too confrontational, but I was asked to comment on the platter in front of me, and perhaps talk about this kind of food in a blog.

For Uptown? Hell yeah. At this point, I'm not sure who adopted who, so let's just say we adopted each other. Walk on hot coals? Sure. Write about nachos and guacamole? YOU GOT IT BOYS.

I do need to confess, up front, that while I make guacamole , I have never made nachos. But this is really a rather simple dish to deconstruct, and I will have some comments on it below. But to guacamole, first.

This is another one of those dishes that people have very strong opinions about. Beyond avocados, there are probably no two people who make it the same way. In fact, I can say with honesty that I don't think I have ever made it the same way, twice, although there are certain constants in mine.

The legendary Queen of Mexican cooking, Diana Kennedy, writes extensively about "guac" in her books. She even gives a recipe for a very intriguing one that scares me, which contains avocados, pear, and pomegranates, and nothing else except salt. Hmmm. Certainly colorful. And apparently, the further south you get in Mexico, the more likely it is you will have fruit in the guacamole, IF they don't give you "gringo verde," as they call what tourists like. The differences in how people make a "classic" dish is an idea that intrigues me. And I got my "comeuppance" once, many years ago, when I was talking to Zarela Martinez, as she explained Mexican "REGIONAL" cooking. I told her I was astounded, and she looked at me, with her big brown eyes and said "You have no problem with the idea of regional ITALIAN cooking, but have you ever compared the size of Mexico to Italy?'

Point well made.

Anyway, to the food. Now, something that you may not know: avocados are a winter crop. If you're eating avocados in the summer, they are coming from FAR away - certainly not Mexico or California. Keep that in mind, if you're looking for good avocados, or wondering why the guac you made at Labor Day isn't as good as what you made at Christmas, even though it's the same recipe. And avocados come in different varieties. What you will see recommended, over and over again, with good reason, are "Hass" avocados. These are the smaller, ridged ones. They're easy to find, but if you can find something like "Gwen" avocados, use them. They are more fragile, and more expensive, but they're better. Hass are good solid staples for guacamole, though. There are other good varities, like Pinkertons, but they are very hard to peel.

For me, making guac calls for advanced planning. You've seen ripe and unripe avocados, I'm sure, and you know that you can let them sit out on a countertop or something and ripen, or you can buy them ripe. Every time I've bought the ripe ones, I've been disappointed. So I buy them when they're just starting to soften, and I let them sit for three or four days. When I'm ready for making guacamole, I gather my ingredients. And like I said, there are some that are constant, and then there are variations. I always use lime juice. LOTS of lime juice. And garlic. NOT a lot of it. Maybe one clove to every two avocados. And salt. That's it. And if you used, just that, you will make a damn good guacamole. I use at least one lime per avocado, because my palate runs to the sour. Use less if you like.

So, this is what I do. I chop up my garlic and put it in the serving bowl, and then a teaspoon of salt. And I mash. The salt, being a crystal, will "cut" the garlic even more (someday, look at sugar or salt crystals up close. You'll see what I mean. These are SHARP, on the molecular level. And you'll learn something about how they work by seeing that and thinking a bit).

Once the garlic has been mashed up, I get to work on the avocados. Now, I never make this stuff with less than six avocados, so what I do is slice off the peel, sort of in apple slicing fashion and dump the slices right into the bowl . If the avocados are ripe, they will come away from the pit easily. If they don't, you shouldn't be using them (and sprout a pit or two. I have a 15 year old avocado tree I sprouted from a seed. Be a kid again). I like guacamole that's chunky, so I just get the potato masher, and go to it until the texture is where I like it. I squeeze in the lime juice, stir it in, and taste. Usually, it needs more salt. And that's it.

Guacamole is going to brown, period. If you dont' serve it right away, it's going to oxidize. There are a million tips for how to keep this from happening. They don't work. If you make your guacamole ahead of time, and you've got that brown coating on the top, do what restaurants do. Stir it. No one will know. And it will still taste good.

Options? I like cilantro very much, but it will literally close the throats of some people. And I like hot peppers. So I like fresh jalapeno in it. Scotch bonnets are a bit much in guacamole, in my opinion, so I stick to the jalapenos. Other people add things like sour cream, or onions, or lemon juice, and that's all fine. They don't go into mine, but that doesn't mean I'm right (well, actually it does, but I'm trying to be humble here).

So you've got guacamole, what about the chips?, he asks as he segues into nachos. I'm obsessed with corn chips. I'm so obsessed that I'm going to suggest something: make your own. HOW???

Get some corn tortillas. Get a good brand. I'm serious about this: follow a Mexican, or simply ask one, when he or she is buying them, and buy what they do or just ask. Cut the tortillas into the shape and size you like. Get a big, flat pan, and fill it with about an inch of oil. Heat it at medium heat. Now, test for it being the right temperature by putting a small fragment of tortilla into it. You'll know. Oil that's hot enough will sizzle the stuff like a french fry. And while you're waiting for the oil to come to temperature, line a few baking sheets with paper towel, or newspaper, and get a strainer, like a Chinese strainer, or something that will let you get the stuff out of the oil without taking too much oil with you. You're going to have to be ready to work fast. Put as many chips into the oil as will fit in one layer, and after two minutes, take them out onto the paper to drain. Sprinkle them with salt immediately. The heat will "melt" the salt a bit, and flavor the chips. If you want to add hot pepper or anything else of that nature, now is the time to do it. Keep on going until you've finished.

I guarantee you, if you do this once, you will never buy chips again.

Now, if you don't want to use them all for your guacamole, let's make some nachos. The plate of them that we had last night both delighted and confounded me. They had "refried" beans in them. I don't know why we call them "refried," because they're only fried once, but in any event, I don't think they have any place in nachos. (My buddy Nora has since advised me that "re" in Spanish generally means "well done" so that "refried" beans are really "well fried" beans. Well, too often they ain't). I DO like the idea of cheese, in two forms: a solid one, something like a feta or something sharp, together with a "melty" cheese, like Monterey jack, or something soft, that helps them form this wonderful soggy, drippy mess. And I like hot pepper or hot pepper sauce in mine, preferably both. I like them both because there's the contrast of the firmer bits of fresh pepper, plus the hot sauce. And that's really all that I would put into mine.

I'm going to write some more about tortilla based dishes in the future, but for now, please enjoy this little tribute to the guys of Uptown.

Boys, if you want me to make these for you, all you have to do is ask. In fact, all you have to do is ask for whatever you would like to eat, and it's yours.

Now let me go swallow some more aspirin. Oh, you guys!!!!!