The fruit that dare not speak its name

Gay men are different from straight men.

DUH. You tune into Annalena's kitchen for more informative stuff than that. Like we didn't know this? Well, bear with me, we're gonna get right into the gist of yet another reason they are different.

Years ago, I read an essay by the philosopher and law professor, Richard Mohr. Dr. Mohr is gay, and he teaches, among other things, a class on the regulation of pleasure by the state, through its laws. In his essay he wrote that he could ALWAYS tell who the gay men in his class were, by giving, as an example of regulated, "inappropriate pleasure," that of nipple play. He writes that every woman and gay man in the room shakes his or her head in approval, or smiles, while the straight men look confused.

Straight men look confused a lot, haven't you noticed? I don' t think they're really confused, I think they're just not sure if they're allowed to feel certain ways.

Well , anyway, enough of today's scholarly digression. I may have written about this before, but it's worth repeating.

Straight men cannot say the word "kumquat." It's true. Don't believe me? Try it. I remember once having lunch with my favorite junior lawyer of all time, a man who wouldn't admit that he had had a problem with a gay guy as his boss, but had gotten over it, and really had come to love and respect me. He became a true "meterosexual." But one day, we were having lunch, and he eyed the "cheesecake with kumquats in syrup." I remember he asked me "what are these?" And I said "Oh, you pronounce it kumquat." He blushed "yeah, I know, but what are they?" So I explained that they were like little tiny oranges, with sweet skin and bitter insides. And he muttered "I can't say that word." And he couldn't. When the waiter came over, he said "I'll have the cheesecake." And I added "with what?" More blushing. The waiter, who was gay, knew what was going on when I said "no dessert unless he says it. " The lad REALLY wanted that cheesecake, but he was NOT going to say it. So I let him off the hook. But I've tried it again. It's true. So I'll say it.

Kumquat kumquat kumquat. Sorry, this is one where, no matter how many times you say it, it has that sense of filthiness about it. Which is a shame. They are far from filthy. I mean, no fruit is, but split open a fig, and you understand why a broken fig is the symbol of lost virginity in art . And why a split pomegranate is the sign of a rape (See what you learn here????? You thought all you were getting is a recipe).

Well, today we're going to work with kumquats, in the sweets kitchen. I KNOW I've written before about slicing them into a salad of endive or other greens and that is wonderful. Now, let's make some nice table sweets with them.

Candied kumquats are delightful. They're pretty, they're tasty, and they're easy. Here's what you do. Get a handful of them - maybe half a pound or so, or more. You need a sharp knife. Cut off the tip, which will be a bit green, and then slice them thin - like 1/8 of an inch. You'll get little pinwheelie things coming off that really look beautiful. Eat a few of them. Then, put the rest of the slices in a mixture of one part sugar and two parts water. Bring it to a simmer, and cook for ten minutes. You are DONE. Let them cool in the syrup, and then pour it off. The syrup, which will have a sweet, slightly bitter taste, can be used in drinks, on a poundcake, or any place you would use syrup (if you drink your iced tea sweetened, try the syrup there. Maybe a bit in your hot chocolate or coffee too). The candied slices? Put them on vanilla ice cream. Or a custard. Something like that.

And now, for the more challenging ,but still easy recipe. We're going to "sugar" whole kumquats. What you do is start with a step that is more fun than it sounds: you take each kumquat, and puncture it, about five times, with a toothpick. You're doing this to let the candying happen. Put the pierced fruit in a pan, with equal amounts of sugar and water. Again, bring this to a simmer. When you have it there, turn off the pan. Let the thing cool for at least four hours. What is happening is something that is called in science "osmosis." The sugar syrup outside of the kumquat is more concentrated than the sugar in the fruit, so the kumquat juices will run out as sugar syrup runs in (You may have done this kind of osmotic process when you were in school, if you went to school at a time when they still taught science. You probably sealed a membrane with holes on it in a glass beaker. Then you put fresh water on one side, and salted water on the other and left it alone. After several hours, the fresh water tasted saltier, and the salty water, less salty. It's the same process, by the way, by which brining works).

Ok, enough of yet another one of Annalena's digressions. But admit it, they're fun and you learn a lot. You may even win some money on Jeopardy someday. But will you thank Annalena? HAH.

So after the kumquats have sat in the syrup for that length of time, now heat them up again. You need to move it to 220, and t hat's easy to determine if you have a thermometer. If you don't, I have a suggestion: bring it to a boil, and then estimate one degree of increase per minute, so you need to simmer the fruit for ten minutes. Now get them out, and let them sit on a draining rack for a while, until they're only slightly tacky. With good ventilation, this may take twenty minutes or so.

Now, get a bowl of sugar, and roll t hem around in it. And let them dry again. They will collapse a bit, which is the nature of sugared fruits, and I think they look like bright orange dates. But they taste better.

You have to keep these in a dry tin , and use them fast. But how much time did it really take you to make t hem? So if you're doing a party, and you want a little tidbit to put at the end, and really impress your guests, go to it. And if by some freak chance a straight man is reading this post, repeat after Annalena:

kumquat kumquat kumquat kumquat kumquat