The Egg and I

Anyone who analyzed the trash that comes out of our apartment would assume that we live on omelets. It isn't unusual for Guy and I to run through a dozen and a half eggs in a weekend.

But the fact is, I hate eggs. Well, I love them for baking, for ice cream, for custard, for anything BUT as eggs per se. I will eat an occasional omelet, but point me away from the sunny side up, the hard or soft boiled, and especially the poached. YUCH.

But there are times....

Several months ago, Guy and I came back home late from "something." I'm not sure what it was. We were hungry, it was too late for a restaurant, or pizza, or Chinese food, and it was one of those Mother Hubbard type days when "the cupboard was bare."

In her latest book, one of my saints, Alice Waters, wrote "if you have eggs, you can eat." Well, we did. And there's nothing like hunger to make you reassess what you like and dislike. I remembered an old recipe from the Village Voice, when you paid for it and it was interesting (did I really write that? HOW CRUEL), which talked about how everyone makes scrambled eggs the wrong way. How I pulled that old memory out of my head is beyond me, but there it was. And confronted with hunger, and eggs, eggs, nothing but eggs, I went to work.

And it was good.

You'll need two pots for this, or a pan and a pot. The pan needs to be big enough to hold the pot, or one pot has to be big enough to hold the other. You put some water into the bigger vessel: maybe two cups if it will hold it. Then, into the smaller pot, you put eggs. Anyone who says they can't eat three eggs at a sitting is lying, so do three eggs per person. Then you add a few tablespoons of something dairy. Non fat and skim milk have no place in our refrigerator, but milk and cream do. I believe I used milk that night, but if you're making a late dinner for an ahem "sudden overnight guest," use the cream if you have it. Also a small piece of butter. BUTTER, not margarine, not "oleo spread," nothing but butter. If you don't have it, don't substititute. And some salt. Remember the saying "eating an egg without salt is like kissing a man without a moustache?" Well, I've kissed a lot of guys without moustaches and it's not really true, but you DO need salt in eggs. Turn on the flame to bring the water to a simmer, and start stirring the eggs. With a whisk, if you have one, a fork if you don't. It won't take long, and if you have that "guest" with you, they'll be impressed by your use of your hands.

The eggs will begin forming soft, cloudlike curds. That's when you stop. And you put in whatever you like. If this is a late night supper for yourself, maybe some grated cheese of some kind, or a little prosciutto. But one of those things that I think every pantry should have is black truffle paste. Toss in a few spoonfuls, toss it, and you have dinner.

While you're doing this, you can make some toast. Joan Rivers published the definitive recipe for making toast some years ago, so I won't repeat it here. Just plain, with no spread on it, is just fine, since the eggs are so rich.

I'll leave the rest of the entertainment of your , ahem, "guest," to your own devices.

Am I a pig or what?